So this explains a lot for me, especially why I always get typed between INFP and INFJ. I have a definite extraverted side, so the E functions make sense. Also I know that as sensitive as I am and as much as I feel, I think I have a good balance between feeling and logic, so there’s the T
INFJ 84%
INTJ 72%
ISTP 46%
ISFP 71%
INFP 86%
INTP 62%
ENFP 75%
ENTP 63%
ENFJ 70%
People say when they see my stride, they can see my pride. Not the pride where the ego resides, but the confidence and assuredness of a black prince who will rise. But I urge them to look deep into my eyes, and see the hidden screams and cries. I’ve just read a few good books, kept a thesaurus, that’s why I sound wise. When I said weakness needs to be destroyed, I told the greatest lies. Insecurities still exist within me and sometimes I cannot dry my eyes. Sometimes I’ll deny my sensitivity so people can see my shine. But the smallest and most innocent words can crumble everything inside. So people when you see my stride and see my pride, realize that this isn’t so much an illusion of your eyes. Just realize that inside I am young, naive and insecure and I, too, hope for more experience to make me wise.
Some people are afraid of the darkness that lies within them. And with all of the lost identity, I’d say some are afraid of the darkness of their own skin. They look at me and tell me to stop playing victim when really I stride on indomitable strength. Denial, they say, is for addicts. But I say it’s for those who deny they have monsters inside. Somewhere between childhood and puberty, the monsters quietly moved from our closets and from under our beds into our souls. Some are afraid of the darkness of their own skin. Some people are afraid of their own darkness period. And when you deny what lies within you, you deny what lies in others.
Yeah…
I have anger issues. People just don’t know it. I get angry easily and often think about hurting people. But then I know how bad I feel once I do. So I don’t. But as Paula Vogel advised me, if someone makes you angry…write about them.
A word is said
Rage is ignited
I formulate a plan in my head
For the greatest form of violence
Another word is said
And I rise
Venom forms in the corners of my mouth
Madness fills my eyes
Angels were pleading
But I can no longer hear them
This man stepped into darkness
And is letting anger steer him
A hand touches my shoulder
And I am docile as an infant
Funny how one’s emotion
Can change in an instant
A word is said
I let it fly by
Because I realize there is only We
Not You, not Them, not I
If harm is done to the leaf
There is harm to the tree
My, oh my, that is my brother
Hurting him would be hurting me
yea. I’m just going to leave this here for later reference. I get tired of explaining the difference between those two “slurs.” White tears don’t denote from the historical meaning of “cracker.” They are really sitting here thinking that we mean Saltines when we call them that.
“You should watch how you talk to me”
Everyone in the room ceased conversaton at once. They all turned to look at Eric standing face to face with Lenny. The guy one step away from tasting his own blood in his mouth.
The words came out quite coldly. It wasn’t a shout. It wasn’t a quiet whisper. It was a statement. An order. A warning.
Eric stood in front of him with a calm exterior. But little did anyone know, he was burning on the inside. The rage was a flame burning within him, just an inch away from gasoline. One can recall the scene in The Godfather right before Michael Corleone slapped Kay across the face. An attack you know is coming, but you don’t know when.
“Man, get the fuck out of my face. You young guys think you’re tough and all, but you wont’ do shit.”
Lenny gave Eric an arrogant smile. That was it.
Eric, in almost slow motion, put down his backpack against the wall.
Then came the eruption.
Eric threw a punch into Lenny’s nose. Eric could feel the bone crack under his knuckles. The girls in the room shrieked and cried out in horror. The other guys were too frightened to even stop it. Somehow they knew that Eric wasn’t the guy you’d want to you want to get in the way of. They all knew him around this place. A quiet and calm man. But gentle, respectful and kind. He never gave anyone any reason to dislike him.
Lenny let out a scream. A grown man letting out a scream in utter pain. He fell to the ground at once. Eric got on top of him and hit him in the nose again. The blood came gushing down his face.
“Stop! Ohhh stop! Stop! Stop! God!”
The punches kept coming. To Lenny’s right eye, his left eye. His mouth. Eric’s knucles were spittling open, but he didn’t care. There were already scars on them where new ones would form. An absolute unconscious beating. An automatic killer instinct. He beat Lenny’s face hoping to feel every bone in his face crush under his fists.
The beating was over.
All anyone could see was a face covered in blood. There were teeth laying beside Lenny’s head where he laid.
All that could be heard was breathing. Eric’s panting and Lenny trying to hold on to consciousness.
Eric sat on top of Lenny and pulled him up face to face by his shirt.
“I told you to watch how you talk to me. Somebody’s probably told you that before, and now you’ve run into the wrong guy. You see, Len…when people don’t watch their words and how they talk to others, sometimes they end up with nothing to talk out of at all.”
Eric pushed on Lenny’s jaw. Lenny moaned in a cry of the utmost pain. Tears rolled down his bloody eyes.
“That’s what I thought. I felt it break under my fist. Now you’ve learned your lesson. I’ll arrange for you to be taken to the hospital. You’ll be told a story, you’ll memorize the story and you’ll repeat that story to anyone who asks.”
Eric reached for his wallet and pulled out a piece of paper.
“4301 Orchard Ave, right? You have a beautiful family. Do as I say.”
He got up and looked at the rest of the people in the room.
“The same goes for the rest of you. Treat others how you want to be treated. Some are nice with their reaction to your negativity. But people like me…not so much. There are some of you who need a certain…kind of an attitude adjuster. I also have an address for all of you. There’ll be men here to give you orders. Do as you’re told.”
In his back pocket was a white handkerchief. He used it to wipe the blood from his knuckles. He took one last look at Lenny.
“Clean yourself up nice, huh? You don’t want your mother to see you like this” he said throwing the handkerchief on him.
“You folks have a nice day. The Golden Rule. Lesson for today.”
They’ve said everything but what is burning in their hearts. The night has been plentiful with long awaited conversation and the revealing of deep secrets.
He told her about his childhood home and the heaviness he feels when he imagines himself inside that house. This house had laid the foundation for the temperament and personality she sees of the man before her. A tear escaped his eye.
She wiped it and told him about the unaffectionate father at home who never so much as gave her a hug. No praise, no curiosity for his daughter. She’s spent a lifetime trying to find that missing piece.
The first moment of silence falls between them. The first moment of silence all night.
The unspoken urges begin to fill the room loudly and they both feel it. Attached to strings they become marionettes in the hands of fate. She moves closer to him and he to her. Hands reach for each other’s faces.
A bird chirps outside breaking the silence. They both look towards the window and see the morning blue between the trees.
The flame in the lantern flickers and flickers. Then, as all things do, it burns out.
He turns to her and she turns to him. He drops his gaze and begins to get up. Grabbing his coat and heading for the door, she gets up frantically and watches him go for the door.
She begins to say something, but he stops her.
“It’s late.”
She catches his eyes once again
“Another time” he says with an assuring smile. And he heads into the cool air of the morning to begin his journey home.
Sometimes I wonder about this body
Because I feel a fierce energy
Contracting
Expanding
Forever moving
Like a curious child
Wanting to explore
But this body…
…this body
I wonder if
it’s truly built
to contain
this type of
intensity
I’ve been aware of “Law of Attraction” and how our quickly our thoughts can materialize if we focus on them with a certain emotional intensity. I’m not a fan of The Secret or The Law of Attraction propaganda. Doesn’t sit too well with me for some reason; although I know the basic principle behind it is true.
I’ve been reminded of the power of our thoughts while reading Seth Speaks by Jane Roberts.
So I, with my 24/7 flights of fantasy, had a sexual fantasy about a girl I’d actually messed around with a little over a year ago. I was thinking about how nice it would be to actually get her alone again and get to where we didn’t before. She’s not just some hit it and quit it girl to me. Having sex with her would be more than sex since I sincerely care for her. It would be a kiss from an angel so to speak.
Side note: Last year, before she came over that particular day, the night before I had a dream that she came over and we were about to have sex. But we were interrupted and that was the end of the dream. Now in real life (is this real life?) she came over and we were about to have sex, and we were interrupted. I’ve had quite a few precognitive dreams in my life. That shit pissed me off though.
Anyway, back to now. I had that little flight of fantasy about her, but I said “Fuck it, she’s married now and I want her to be happy.” So I let the thought go. I think that’s what made this happen though, because you can want something, but if you state your desire and then let it go…well, well…
I get on Facebook yesterday and what do I see?
“‘So and so’ went from being Married to being Single”
[Insert Macaulay Culkin/Home Alone gif here]
My immediate response was “You have got to be fucking kidding me”. I knew that I didn’t particularly cause the end of her marriage, but you know, it made me wonder if my thoughts affected this in any way. Because sometimes these things happen like prayers happen. Prayers get answered, but what of those other random thoughts and fantasies you have? They go somewhere too. You pray for something and immediately God or The Universe sets off a chain of events in your world and in the world of other people, where choices are made, events happen in a certain way in order to manifest what you’ve been holding in mind.
At least that’s how I see it.
And this is only one case where I’m seeing my thoughts being materialized in some way. I think lately I’ve probably just been vibrating on a higher frequency than usual. I’ve seen and experienced things in my meditations lately that have never happened. I woke up last week the other morning to feeling myself get back in my body (I’m talking out of body experience related). I’m not a stranger to these things, but they’ve intensified lately. And I know that when you’re feeling good or vibrating on a higher frequency, things come to you quicker.
I just have to make sure to watch my thoughts and really focus on the things I want to see happen.
The message: Don’t do what I did and cause a divorce
;)
I realize that I’ve had quite a different life experience than most people I know. There are some things about me, maybe some things I came into this life with from my previous lives that have shaped who I am also. Those things make me sometimes feel like quite an alien, and that I can’t relate too well to much of the people around me. Because of my inner compulsion to make sense of my life and find answers to all these existential questions, I’ve stumbled across a wealth of material in the last five or six years confirming what I’ve long felt, and also expanding my awareness of being (both physical and metaphysical).
I often feel a burning desire to go back to where I came from. Some part of me remembers a much more peaceful existence than this. A place where I was accepted without a hint of judgment. Some dimension or state of being where it was easier to love. I want to go back there.
But I’ve realized that this is the human experience. I’m here to experience what this three dimensional world has to offer. There’s no way I can grow and learn the lessons I’m supposed to learn if I’m always keeping my eye on the destination rather than the path. I’m not better than anyone at all, just different. Some of us are. I’ve been a lifelong loner, and just like Mitch Albom said, “Okay, I know what loneliness feels like, I’m not afraid of it”. I can roll with that, but I can’t let it hold me back from this life experience.
It’s a good thing I’ve learned meditation and detachment. Being a witness to your thoughts, your inner world and outer world without judgment. It’s still a process. This will allow me to be in the world, but not of it. Be in the world, but not of it.
That’s it. No holding back. It’s just a ride, and sometimes it hurts. But at some point the ride ends. I hope to leave a great depth of love and legacy behind me.
It’s Friday night
and I’m wondering
why
there
is
such a
distance between
your body
and
mine.
Whereas some need to smoke,
and some need to drink,
us…
…we take the load off in our own way
